“As I look out of the wi…

“As I look out of the window; I see the raindrops falling in a different manner; I see people smiling but within me lies the feeling of despair. I want to give my mother a hug; my father a kiss on his cheek and my siblings a piece of advice for suddenly – I felt that maybe I will be gone soon – so soon.”

Waiting for my dying day? No, I am not dying yet, my appointed time has not come yet but I want it to happen at the moment. No, I don’t want to commit suicide – it is something that I should never think about, for it is never a good thing.

My emotion is weak, my body is weaker but God’s grace will always be sufficient. I cannot think rightly, my sane mind and attitude, I cannot recognize. I want to hurt myself, punch my face and let myself be awaken from slumbering.

The insanity of myself is something that is never inherent in my being, I am cold, I feel tired, I do not feel any good within me. I was never in this kind of situation until I allowed myself to be attacked, now, I am in despair and I am in the brink of death, swallowing my own pride and deafening my ears from the noise of yesterday and making myself blind in the life of my future.

Now, I am in despair wanted to die as early as now but I can’t for I know it is never right. So, I will just be silent and wait for my destruction. This is not guilt, it is never guilt but this is a painful expression of what I am going through.

I am in pain and I am hurt, I cannot give you a clue, this is something that I am battling a long time ago and still I am battling and I am in the midst of it – I only need to take time of thinking and let myself realize that I am still sleeping. I hope, I can have the power to go back from the past and live there…………………………………… Forever.

For I don’t want to come back.

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